I Hate Snails. I Really, Really Do

Hi there, how are you all today??

I'd like to talk about snails. Just for a little bit. Don't worry, I wont make a point or anything.

I have a fish tank. It's my little zen garden. Here's a pic.

See that? No plastic in there, those are alive. That's my filter. I'd like to lay a challenge out to anyone who has a tank. Go natural. Super natural if you can. But be warned, you may have to become a monster to do this.

I had a normal tank for along time. I liked it. I ended up with cichlids that pretty much fought and killed one another until I had the king dickhead fish and that's it. Anything new he killed...so I gave him away (and yes, he killed many things at the pet store until they put him in a tank with huge cichlids...then buddy got his)

after that I looked around the webernet and found something interesting. Planted tanks. They look so cool. It's a little underwater garden that says fuck you to winter. I had to try this.

Further research proved that the internet is filled with everything, and none of it is organized. There are three ways to do a planted tank, and somebody somewhere has tried to clear up the mess, but everyone is so busy yelling at each other about who is right that they don't even look to see if they are talking about the same thing. It's like me yelling at you because this is green

When really I just have my monitor turned upside down and in a bowl of blue jello.

So for a year I watched my plants slowly die in a variety of ways...and then I started a book. I kept notes. I did science to it.

All you really need to do some amature science. Note the lack of dick doodles. This bit is key

and no, I am not making a point about actually doing something and understanding it yourself vs reading things on the internet and then wondering how you screwed it up. Not at all. I'm trying to make a point that snails are total dickfucks...I just haven't gotten there yet.

So I went from having a sad tank to a lush one...then it matured and settled in, and algae showed up...stupid algae... but I expected this, not a big deal, happens to every tank sooner or later. I did more science to it, did a lot of manual removing and it started to come around...but manual removing means cutting shit that's covered in alga out, so some of the plants were a little thin. I turfed them and went to the fish shop for something new.

I brought something awful home.

The plants were great. I still have them. Fantastic little things. Grow like weeds...but so do the snails...

You see, the thing with snails is that they don't need two. They have both parts and just have sex with themselves. If they do happen to bump into another snail, they might trade some goo, but it's not like the enjoy it...they're fucking snails...

Google Image search for 'Aquatic Snail Sex'

Another thing...a planted tank is just perfect for those little fuckers...by the time you realize you have one, you have eggs everywhere. Then those hatch and you have a fuck ton of snails... who lay eggs...

Now you see, I have a little problem. I don't like to do manual shit like picking snails out of a fish tank. So if there's an opportunity to get a bunch with little effort, I'm jumping on that. They have a habit of coming out of hiding (by that I mean coming out of everywhere) at night. So if I get up for a pee, and I see all these snails on the front glass I start scooping them out and throwing them outside. (I used to crush them, but I cut myself once and I'm worried about snail...grossness... getting inside me. Did you know snails have red blood like us...strange hey??) My neighbour for whatever reason is out one night and sees this naked silhouette in my door waving at him and freaks the fuck out. So after the cops leave I said fuck this shit, there has got to be a better way to get rid of these things.

To the internet!!

Cute hey??

Pea puffers. Cute little fish that eat snails. Perfect! One thing...they are tiny and don't really do fuck all. They look cute, and they are fun, but they don't eat fuck all. I want something to mangle the snails and leave them to die. Take one bite (the brain or heart please) and go to the next one...but I swear these things can survive off one snail for a week...and I have no idea how many snails I produce in a week, but it's more than one.

But there is something else interesting happening...their shells...they are getting thin and brittle...

I'm no scientist, I just do science to things for fun. (scientist do it for profit) so I don't know if the plants are using up some much needed shell making nutrients for themselves and slowly starve-murdering the snails to death, or if generations of the most hardcore inbreeding is taking it's toll...But either way, I am excited.

So you see, in order to have a fantastic planted tank, you have to be a monster that delights in the murder of critters that piss you off just by being gross.

Thanks for reading,

-Inveigh