Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Some Secret Santa Hijinx

Hello Interneters,

We've done something interesting this holiday season, we signed up for the 'Secret Santa can Suck it' fun put on by the 'Art of Darkness', one of my favourite blogs (and yes, this is a shameless plug)

The basic rules seem to be give whatever you want. If it's a freaking unicorn, then give it. It's the internet right, not like anything on here is all that corporeal really. Most of this is made up of inconvenienced electrons and pornography.

So with that in mind, I think I'll revisit some of the more interesting things I've found out here.

So, to start things off, my gifts are heading all the way to Toronto for David, who runs the 'Dark Artifacts' blog and has a wicked haircut.

So to start off, what's Christmas without drinks?? I mean, honestly, I'm having a beer right now...and I want to share this beer with Dave (is it cool if I call you Dave, Dave?? You see, I have an Aussie buddy named Dave too, but I call him Daove, on account of his accent, so I don;'t actually know any Dave's proper, you know?? And David sounds sort of like Mr. Dave to me...but if you prefer David let me know)

So behold, the most fantastic beer I have ever had. And it's even American...and for a Canadian boy like myself, liking an American beer is a pretty big deal.

Now I'm not going to lie, I'm a total beer snob. Beer Nerd is the preferred term, but beer snob is a more accurate one.

So...now we've got beer and it's the Christmas season, what shall we do?? Why, go visit some friends of course!...But...We've been drinking...we shouldn't drive, and it's minus way to fucking cold out to walk...what do we do??

We ride Unicorns, duh,

Unicorns are renowned for there warm luxurious fur, calorie free meat, and for goring the hell out of anything they want. Who's gonna stop 'em?? ou gona stop a Unicorn form goring someone?? No, no you are not, you are going to assume they deserved it, if they are getting a good ol goring form a Unicorn, they must have done something pretty terrible...

We've made it to our friends house, and are only slightly coated in entrails. No biggy, they are still warm and kind of nice.

Buddy wants to play a game of sitting on Santa's lap...he's kind of odd...I'm not sure why we hang out with him really...

Now that we're good and creeped out, we should probably get the hell out of here. To the pub!! I should warn you Dave, if your visiting here, while still in Canada, it's a little different here in the West...Here's a hint...I live in the worst city in Canada...I think we won an award for it. Well...ok maybe not an award, but there was a magazine article I read saying it and then I totally made myself a trophy for it.

So the pubs are not a messing around deal, they are were all the pansies like me hide out cause going downtown gets you beaten up...the only real way to go about that is to get too drunk to remember, or to go to the gay bar. Which is pretty nice really. Smells a little cleaner...or there is less desperation in the air...whatever it is it's kind of nice.

Now we're good and drunk and we totally rode unicorns to the gay bar! It's going to be a lot of work to not come home with like 6 dudes, but I figure it's doable...unless that's your thing Dave...in which case you are not sleeping on my couch...and your not doing any 'not sleeping' on it either...Not that I care either way what you like to do in your private life, just not on my couch man...

So there ya go Dave, Merry Christmas, Happy New year, all that jazz. All the best to ya, you've got a cool blog, keep it up.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

A Date With Mz.Nin

Grrr this stupid site won't allow me to copy and paste...when I figure out how to get this on here I will do it!! STUPID thing!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Thoughts on a Movember past

Truly a beautiful man moustache

I now know first hand the meaning of 'Flavour Saver', and it is in every way as disgusting as it sounds.

Winter is very slightly diminished in that my upper lip was protected from the worst of the wind and biting cold.

The sniffles however were a nightmare.. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand how you can blow your nose with one of those things and still manage to go about your day without at the very least washing your face. Every time I sneezed I just got in the shower. It seemed easier that way.

Trimming is an art. Like anywhere I guess hey?? My sister did mine...

Even girls who are disgusted by it want to touch it. Often while telling you how horrible it is, but still, that's like moustache second base.

The women who do like a moustache almost instantly become terrifying.

Gummi bears will get caught in it very easily.

It is kind of fun to stick out your lower lip and curl it up over your top lip. Your lips are sensitive enough that you can feel every hair individually, like how a baby or an E kid must feel the world. A sort of wondrous sensation

However, any flavours discovered are not wondrous. Quite the opposite really.

Pimples still happen. You'd think they'd be hidden, but nope, if anything they are grosser. See sniffles...

Moustache rides are not as popular as I was led to believe...

Also, see 'Flavour Saver' for the downside of moustache rides...

Strangely, the scents of those flavours do not seem to be noticeable.

My mothers dog did not recognize me at first. This led to a game where he barked at me and I lunged at him, which led to a small altercation in my Mothers living room where I lost a fight. Looking back he probably knew it was me and just wanted to kick my ass.

Music sounds worse.

I broke something rather expensive last weekend and am going to blame the moustache for that.

Lamination machines should come with facial hair warnings, not just generic 'Long Hair Warnings' (To be fair it was very cold in my office that day)

If you fill a piece of macaroni with glue and slide it onto a hair, it will stay there for many days. It is not generally recommended though.

I saw a unicorn, but sadly, due to my moustache, was unable to ride it.

All in all, I have to say I did not enjoy the month of stach. But I've already made a deal with people at work for next year, so I'll be going stached again...

Maybe I'll dye it green or something. Make it punk rock? What do you think??

Later people,


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Movember Log, Day 16: And we're past the half way point!

So I have made a discovery. I in no way know how to care for a moustache. I thought shampooing it everyday would be enough, but no, it does not seem to be working out that way...or I have discovered a new, as of yet unknown to me, stage of awkward...

Basically the new hair itch is gone. I'm settled that way, and a had a few days of really good moustaching about. Making awkward jokes and generally enjoying the asshatishness of Movember. But the last two days...it's just too much damn hair all of a sudden. I feel dirty, and not like a guy with a moustache dirty. It's something new...something unpleasant...

It's kind of like I need a haircut...Hmmm...that's probably it hey?? Alright then...re-title time:

Adventures in moustache trimming!!!

Ok, so as it turns out, a lot of really really short hairs get thrown up your nose if you use clippers. These would be the same clippers from before that are not to be used on my face, so I think I will move to scissors and see how this goes. Be back in a minute...



ok that was terrible too...

I think the first mistake was looking up inside my nose. Turns out there is hair up there too, and it grosses me out. So I thought to snip it out. I already have a nose full of tiny clippings that were tossed around by a motorized death machine, so sticking small ticklish pointy things up there is probably my second mistake, and the third is sneezing while said pointy fucking things are up my nose.

So now my moustache is bloody...

I suppose a good adventure is bloody, but this is kind of sad...

Anyway...I”m going to go look at my ceilings for a while.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

To my Dear Mz.Nin,

You have besmirched the honour of my pillows with your threats. I cannot forgive this.

I think that you have overlooked something. Something kid of basic...but something that gives me a natural advantage; I can grow a muff too. Not just a lip muff. I can grow two muffs. I am also single, I have no need to groom either. Keep that in mind.

I know that you are still sickly with the plague, and I hope that you are experiencing the most intense feverish dreams. I hope so, because I found something I want to share with you, and I hope it burrows into your mind and haunts you. I hope when you look at your fancy leather couch, you see this instead. This is for threatening my pillows Mz.Nin,

Props to http://www.jessicaharrison.co.uk/ I have no idea who she is, but I am pretty sure I just fell in love with her. Go, check out here site. The 2010 image's are amazing.


Movember Log, Day 13: Feelin' Ok with Creepy

Hello :)

So we are approaching the halfway point in this grant moustache experiment. I have to be honest, I have collected zero dollars for prostate cancer and really have no idea what I would do with any money anyone gave me. Buy beer I imagine, and try to forget that I am muffy on my face. That sounds kind of good actually. A nice foamy Guinness perhaps, something that would take full advantage of a moustache...Yup, that sounds good. Lets do that.

To the pub to 'raise funds for the molestation of cancer!!' It's the perfect plan. If anyone busts me, I'll just tell them I have to be drunk to molest anything, and then perhaps molest them. That should shut them up.

Something is odd here though...the pub is packed, there are beautiful women about...this is not a normal at my pub. Why I come here I'm not sure...it's close and I can crawl home I guess...and yes I've done that...shut up...

What's odd though is that at work I am but one of many terrible terrible examples of facial hair. Here, I am but one of two, and the other guy looks like he just rocks a shitty moustache all year long...he seems comfy...oblivious...perhaps he is an idiot? Or has a secret confidence I do not see?? He is drinking Budweiser, so I suspect my first impression is correct.

Due to my amateur scientist background, I keep wondering what his little secret is. Now I'm fully aware I have a moustache that is home-erotic at best, and pure bile educing terror at worst, but I'm gonna go talk to a strange guy at the pub anyway. I've totally come off as gay before. It's one of the fun creepy games I used to play before this grand moustache experiment began. How I miss the looks on people's faces when they were only unsure of they should be worried, battling with politeness and trying to carry on a conversation that I intentionally steer all over the god damn place. The advantage I had seems to have been lost with the addition of the man lip muffage. Now assumptions are made much quicker and the games is over long before it starts...

So basically, I am bored, and wonder if one moustache will cancel out the other and perhaps I can amuse myself...

The answer is yes. Much more awkward, but yes, using Mouvember totally opens the door, and it's not long until I find out this guys secret.

The fucker is underage. The confidence is simply coming form being inside with a beer in hand. I decide I should be nice and not fuck with this kids head too much and wander away mid sentence...after possibly planting a seed that he is in fact in a gay pub. There are no gay pubs in my town, but still, if any rumour should be started, it might as well be a wildly inaccurate one.

As I wander about the pub I notice something else. Some women seem to be taking second looks, and not 'second look at a car crash' looks. Not at all. Strange...So far I have had two positive responses. One from my Mom, who I'm sure thinks I'm an idiot but loves me anyway, and one more...so this is not something I expected. I do have to admit, I have been hiding out a bit more lately, predominantly due to facial hair...perhaps this was a mistake??

It's not like it's a Sean Connery or Burt Reynolds here, but it has filled in a little more this past few days...but no, this cannot be it. It must be my ass or something right??? But why are they looking at my face then?

But I'm sorry dear internet, I ran into some buddies and did some shots after this thought and well...science ended there. I'd tell the tale, but I do not recall it. My bad.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Semen as an anti-depressant

Now normally...I dont exactly encourage monogamy, in fact I rail against it most of the time.  I mean its that whole loaf of bread thing; once you have one slice? well the whole damn loaf tastes the same anyways.  Now personally? I want rye, pumpernickle, sourdough, whole grain etc...the same loaf of bread day in and day out? LAME!!
Well according to this article semen being absorbed through a woman's vagina acts as an anti-depressant for her.  So now..of course its got me thinking...maybe monogamy isnt so bad after all?