Some Secret Santa Hijinx

Hello Interneters,

We've done something interesting this holiday season, we signed up for the 'Secret Santa can Suck it' fun put on by the 'Art of Darkness', one of my favourite blogs (and yes, this is a shameless plug)

The basic rules seem to be give whatever you want. If it's a freaking unicorn, then give it. It's the internet right, not like anything on here is all that corporeal really. Most of this is made up of inconvenienced electrons and pornography.

So with that in mind, I think I'll revisit some of the more interesting things I've found out here.

So, to start things off, my gifts are heading all the way to Toronto for David, who runs the 'Dark Artifacts' blog and has a wicked haircut.

So to start off, what's Christmas without drinks?? I mean, honestly, I'm having a beer right now...and I want to share this beer with Dave (is it cool if I call you Dave, Dave?? You see, I have an Aussie buddy named Dave too, but I call him Daove, on account of his accent, so I don;'t actually know any Dave's proper, you know?? And David sounds sort of like Mr. Dave to me...but if you prefer David let me know)

So behold, the most fantastic beer I have ever had. And it's even American...and for a Canadian boy like myself, liking an American beer is a pretty big deal.

Hmmmm...Beer...

Now I'm not going to lie, I'm a total beer snob. Beer Nerd is the preferred term, but beer snob is a more accurate one.

So...now we've got beer and it's the Christmas season, what shall we do?? Why, go visit some friends of course!...But...We've been drinking...we shouldn't drive, and it's minus way to fucking cold out to walk...what do we do??

We ride Unicorns, duh,

Unicorns are renowned for there warm luxurious fur, calorie free meat, and for goring the hell out of anything they want. Who's gonna stop 'em?? ou gona stop a Unicorn form goring someone?? No, no you are not, you are going to assume they deserved it, if they are getting a good ol goring form a Unicorn, they must have done something pretty terrible...

We've made it to our friends house, and are only slightly coated in entrails. No biggy, they are still warm and kind of nice.

Buddy wants to play a game of sitting on Santa's lap...he's kind of odd...I'm not sure why we hang out with him really...

It's warm at least...

Now that we're good and creeped out, we should probably get the hell out of here. To the pub!! I should warn you Dave, if your visiting here, while still in Canada, it's a little different here in the West...Here's a hint...I live in the worst city in Canada...I think we won an award for it. Well...ok maybe not an award, but there was a magazine article I read saying it and then I totally made myself a trophy for it.

So the pubs are not a messing around deal, they are were all the pansies like me hide out cause going downtown gets you beaten up...the only real way to go about that is to get too drunk to remember, or to go to the gay bar. Which is pretty nice really. Smells a little cleaner...or there is less desperation in the air...whatever it is it's kind of nice.

It might be caring

Now we're good and drunk and we totally rode unicorns to the gay bar! It's going to be a lot of work to not come home with like 6 dudes, but I figure it's doable...unless that's your thing Dave...in which case you are not sleeping on my couch...and your not doing any 'not sleeping' on it either...Not that I care either way what you like to do in your private life, just not on my couch man...

So there ya go Dave, Merry Christmas, Happy New year, all that jazz. All the best to ya, you've got a cool blog, keep it up.

-Inveigh

A Date With Mz.Nin

Grrr this stupid site won't allow me to copy and paste...when I figure out how to get this on here I will do it!! STUPID thing!

Thoughts on a Movember past

Truly a beautiful man moustache

I now know first hand the meaning of 'Flavour Saver', and it is in every way as disgusting as it sounds.

Winter is very slightly diminished in that my upper lip was protected from the worst of the wind and biting cold.

The sniffles however were a nightmare.. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand how you can blow your nose with one of those things and still manage to go about your day without at the very least washing your face. Every time I sneezed I just got in the shower. It seemed easier that way.

Trimming is an art. Like anywhere I guess hey?? My sister did mine...

Even girls who are disgusted by it want to touch it. Often while telling you how horrible it is, but still, that's like moustache second base.

The women who do like a moustache almost instantly become terrifying.

Gummi bears will get caught in it very easily.

It is kind of fun to stick out your lower lip and curl it up over your top lip. Your lips are sensitive enough that you can feel every hair individually, like how a baby or an E kid must feel the world. A sort of wondrous sensation

However, any flavours discovered are not wondrous. Quite the opposite really.

Pimples still happen. You'd think they'd be hidden, but nope, if anything they are grosser. See sniffles...

Moustache rides are not as popular as I was led to believe...

Also, see 'Flavour Saver' for the downside of moustache rides...

Strangely, the scents of those flavours do not seem to be noticeable.

My mothers dog did not recognize me at first. This led to a game where he barked at me and I lunged at him, which led to a small altercation in my Mothers living room where I lost a fight. Looking back he probably knew it was me and just wanted to kick my ass.

Music sounds worse.

I broke something rather expensive last weekend and am going to blame the moustache for that.

Lamination machines should come with facial hair warnings, not just generic 'Long Hair Warnings' (To be fair it was very cold in my office that day)

If you fill a piece of macaroni with glue and slide it onto a hair, it will stay there for many days. It is not generally recommended though.

I saw a unicorn, but sadly, due to my moustache, was unable to ride it.

All in all, I have to say I did not enjoy the month of stach. But I've already made a deal with people at work for next year, so I'll be going stached again...

Maybe I'll dye it green or something. Make it punk rock? What do you think??

Later people,

-Inveigh

Movember Log, Day 16: And we're past the half way point!

So I have made a discovery. I in no way know how to care for a moustache. I thought shampooing it everyday would be enough, but no, it does not seem to be working out that way...or I have discovered a new, as of yet unknown to me, stage of awkward...

Basically the new hair itch is gone. I'm settled that way, and a had a few days of really good moustaching about. Making awkward jokes and generally enjoying the asshatishness of Movember. But the last two days...it's just too much damn hair all of a sudden. I feel dirty, and not like a guy with a moustache dirty. It's something new...something unpleasant...

It's kind of like I need a haircut...Hmmm...that's probably it hey?? Alright then...re-title time:

Adventures in moustache trimming!!!

Ok, so as it turns out, a lot of really really short hairs get thrown up your nose if you use clippers. These would be the same clippers from before that are not to be used on my face, so I think I will move to scissors and see how this goes. Be back in a minute...

...

...

ok that was terrible too...

I think the first mistake was looking up inside my nose. Turns out there is hair up there too, and it grosses me out. So I thought to snip it out. I already have a nose full of tiny clippings that were tossed around by a motorized death machine, so sticking small ticklish pointy things up there is probably my second mistake, and the third is sneezing while said pointy fucking things are up my nose.

So now my moustache is bloody...

I suppose a good adventure is bloody, but this is kind of sad...

Anyway...I”m going to go look at my ceilings for a while.

-Inveigh

To my Dear Mz.Nin,

You have besmirched the honour of my pillows with your threats. I cannot forgive this.

I think that you have overlooked something. Something kid of basic...but something that gives me a natural advantage; I can grow a muff too. Not just a lip muff. I can grow two muffs. I am also single, I have no need to groom either. Keep that in mind.

I know that you are still sickly with the plague, and I hope that you are experiencing the most intense feverish dreams. I hope so, because I found something I want to share with you, and I hope it burrows into your mind and haunts you. I hope when you look at your fancy leather couch, you see this instead. This is for threatening my pillows Mz.Nin,

Props to http://www.jessicaharrison.co.uk/ I have no idea who she is, but I am pretty sure I just fell in love with her. Go, check out here site. The 2010 image's are amazing.

-Inveigh

Movember Log, Day 13: Feelin' Ok with Creepy

Hello :)

So we are approaching the halfway point in this grant moustache experiment. I have to be honest, I have collected zero dollars for prostate cancer and really have no idea what I would do with any money anyone gave me. Buy beer I imagine, and try to forget that I am muffy on my face. That sounds kind of good actually. A nice foamy Guinness perhaps, something that would take full advantage of a moustache...Yup, that sounds good. Lets do that.

To the pub to 'raise funds for the molestation of cancer!!' It's the perfect plan. If anyone busts me, I'll just tell them I have to be drunk to molest anything, and then perhaps molest them. That should shut them up.

Something is odd here though...the pub is packed, there are beautiful women about...this is not a normal at my pub. Why I come here I'm not sure...it's close and I can crawl home I guess...and yes I've done that...shut up...

What's odd though is that at work I am but one of many terrible terrible examples of facial hair. Here, I am but one of two, and the other guy looks like he just rocks a shitty moustache all year long...he seems comfy...oblivious...perhaps he is an idiot? Or has a secret confidence I do not see?? He is drinking Budweiser, so I suspect my first impression is correct.

Due to my amateur scientist background, I keep wondering what his little secret is. Now I'm fully aware I have a moustache that is home-erotic at best, and pure bile educing terror at worst, but I'm gonna go talk to a strange guy at the pub anyway. I've totally come off as gay before. It's one of the fun creepy games I used to play before this grand moustache experiment began. How I miss the looks on people's faces when they were only unsure of they should be worried, battling with politeness and trying to carry on a conversation that I intentionally steer all over the god damn place. The advantage I had seems to have been lost with the addition of the man lip muffage. Now assumptions are made much quicker and the games is over long before it starts...

So basically, I am bored, and wonder if one moustache will cancel out the other and perhaps I can amuse myself...

The answer is yes. Much more awkward, but yes, using Mouvember totally opens the door, and it's not long until I find out this guys secret.

The fucker is underage. The confidence is simply coming form being inside with a beer in hand. I decide I should be nice and not fuck with this kids head too much and wander away mid sentence...after possibly planting a seed that he is in fact in a gay pub. There are no gay pubs in my town, but still, if any rumour should be started, it might as well be a wildly inaccurate one.

As I wander about the pub I notice something else. Some women seem to be taking second looks, and not 'second look at a car crash' looks. Not at all. Strange...So far I have had two positive responses. One from my Mom, who I'm sure thinks I'm an idiot but loves me anyway, and one more...so this is not something I expected. I do have to admit, I have been hiding out a bit more lately, predominantly due to facial hair...perhaps this was a mistake??

It's not like it's a Sean Connery or Burt Reynolds here, but it has filled in a little more this past few days...but no, this cannot be it. It must be my ass or something right??? But why are they looking at my face then?

But I'm sorry dear internet, I ran into some buddies and did some shots after this thought and well...science ended there. I'd tell the tale, but I do not recall it. My bad.

-Inveigh

Semen as an anti-depressant

Now normally...I dont exactly encourage monogamy, in fact I rail against it most of the time.  I mean its that whole loaf of bread thing; once you have one slice? well the whole damn loaf tastes the same anyways.  Now personally? I want rye, pumpernickle, sourdough, whole grain etc...the same loaf of bread day in and day out? LAME!!
Well according to this article semen being absorbed through a woman's vagina acts as an anti-depressant for her.  So now..of course its got me thinking...maybe monogamy isnt so bad after all?
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn2457-semen-acts-as-an-antidepressant.html

-Mz.Nin

Responding to your idle threat Inveigh

In response to your threat of leaving lip muff hairs in my home.  I happen to be single right now and am not opposed to forgoing the groomage of muffage.  That being said you now have 20 days of lustrious muff hairs to contend with on your pillow...I imagine my 20 days of growth will be far more frightening!!!!
This picture of course represents bald muff...something which I will not have...I couldnt find a picture of a hairy enough cat to capture the essence of my terrifying threat.
-Mz.Nin

Movember Log, Day 9: Creepy...

So I did it, I shaved all but my 'Lip Muff'. I know about Muff Power, I have to, I am friends with the lovely Mz.Nin, but I am not feeling it...I am feeling creepy. Very creepy actually.

See, the problem is I keep wandering out into public and forget that I have this thing under my nose. I smile at people, and sometimes make inappropriate jokes. I like to creep people out slightly, it's sort of fun. But now...well now I don't have to do anything, and as soon as I open my mouth... fuck I'm going to be arrested by the end of the week!

I was at the vet today, and I'll admit, I have a fetish for vets. Two reasons. They always have critters around, and I love critters, and two, they are like doctors, but for critters. Well I hurt myself a lot, and while I also have a doctor/nurse fetish, vets fill an extra roll in providing me with kittens to play with. So they get an extra point. And yes I would totally let a vet patch me up, they're just as good, and I'm not picky.

So while I'm there I'm chatting up the lovely vet, and notice she is not making eye contact. Not one bit. I think maybe I have made a mess with breakfast? Do I have ice cream on my face?? I check...nope seems pretty clean, and then pow, I hit the lip muff and it all makes sense...I am hideous...but wait! Maybe all is not lost, maybe I can wow her with a clever moustache joke!!

I try...I fail...

Turns out public masturbation is rather more frowned upon than I had previously imagined...

My dog is fine though, and that's what's important. He seems to like my lip muffage actually. Or at least he still looks me in the eyes...I guess this is what women with fantastic tits feel like?? Except the opposite?? Does that make sense??

Anyway, off I go about my day, periodically forgetting about my facial trauma only to be reminded by the horrified sneers of everyone around me. It really is a disaster...in one day I have received no less than 4 very lovely women telling me I have done something horrible, that I need to grow back the beard, that I look pretty in a beard, and now I look (...dry heaving sound...)

You know what ladies. Mouvember isn't about looking pretty. This isn't some 'Lets get pink ribbons and put them on our cars and wallets and underpants to beat cancer' thing. This is way more than that. This is a 'Grow something awful on your face' thing. This means we are going to trap cancer in a small room and molest the absolute shit out of it until it can no longer face the light of day without flashing back to the things we have done to it. It will be spending the rest of it's days weeping in terror in a shower of bleach. We aren't being nice to cancer, we aren't being mean to it. We are being creepy and pervy, and if that isn't enough to drive it away, then we may all be doomed...

So wish us luck, and feel free to take advantage of all the moustache rides you can. They'll only be here for a little while longer.

And Mz.Nin, you are stuck with 20 more days of this. Perhaps in that time I will be able to acquire enough Muff Power to smite you, but I somehow doubt it. Good old fashion smiting will have to do hey?? Wence I do shave, be sure that I will keep it for you, and you will find it sprinkled about your home as I once did with emptied bottles so long ago)

- Inveigh

Here's to your scruff Inveigh

Dear Inveigh,
Today...in the morning, while I was huddled up in my bed with the sickies I decided to peruse Facecrack for some giggles and silent bashing.  I came across quite a sight...a certain someone's certainly noticeable LIP MUFFAGE!!!! It is both frightening and intriguing, I mean I stared for a good 2 minutes in horror and awe...then of course I promptly tried to decipher a hidden pervert van lurking in the background of the picture or a piss stained mattress on the floor of your home (isnt that what a pervert would sleep on?)
Now thankfully I am slightly under the influence of childrens wuss syrup and feeling a bit fluffy myself...though I imagine much softer and cuddlier then your lip muff.  So Im not really going to go off about the blasphemous plague going on, on that upper lip of yours right now...
How many more days of this snaggle muff must we endure?
-Mz.Nin

The Halflings Take on Things

The cactus back, the drooling mouth, the gigantic wart on the elbow...tapered fingers? My halflings are the most creative beasties around...enjoy the halfling art!! -Mz.Nin

Mouvember Log

Day 8 : Insanely Itchy.

Well I still haven’t shaved. Fuck that shit. It’s far more fun this way. The office prick is running around with a pretty terrible stache, and making sure everyone looks directly at it (Sort of an attention whore that guy) and making a big deal that a few of us have chosen different paths to get to moustache-ville. Ie, not shaving anything (my strategy) or shaving everything (a strategy I do not think will work out in the long run, but it pisses off Mr. Loud so I support it). Bucking the system a little bit is a lot of fun, and I’m enjoying the manliness a beard makes me feel. I think perhaps I should go kill something and eat it. Maybe a carrot? Some celery?? A little lettuce leaf??

I figure just can’t I can’t hear them scream, it doesn’t mean they don’t. And they bleed, but we call it juice. It still runs down my jaw, and I’ll still eat it raw. Such a savage hey??

So back to my beard. So far it looks pretty terrible, but since there are a few amazingly terrible moustaches around, I look pretty good by comparison. It’s been a few years since I’ve grown anything on my face, not including that stuff that grew on that gummi bear I had stuck on my forehead a while back. (You don’t want to know about this…well maybe you do, but I don’t want you to) So I’m curious to see how it’s going to fill out. The itching though…my god…This I do not enjoy. I know it’s just a bit of time until it stops, like when you let your muff patch get all wild and it drives you crazy, but it only lasts like a week, and then when you shave it down again, it drives you a different crazy for a different week.

On an unrelated note, I totally trimmed my beard with my ‘Don’t use this on your face anymore’ trimmer. Now I’m sitting at work wondering how acceptable it would be to pin someone down and give them a beard burn while telling them what I did this morning…I’m going to guess not very…but this just makes me want to do it more…

In the end though, I have made a deal. I will shave all but the stash, and in exchange another has agreed to partake and grow a terrible terrible moustache as well. Interestingly enough, I had a lot of help making this deal from someone who admitedly feels ill around the moustaches. Does she know she just helped create two more for her to have to deal with all day??

-Inveigh

Mouvember Log, Day 4: Itchy

I awoke today with a very scratchy face. I had not slept well. Pillow seems to be unhappy with my current facial condition and refuses me its comfort. I shall have to rectify this…but how?? Shampoo! Of course. Make it soft...so simple...


I have to confess, at this point I am still sporting a full scruff, and have yet to shave and leave a small scruffette in my moustache position. Mostly because that would look terrible, and also because I like to look scruffy. So this worked well, I lathered my head, and then my face, only getting a little in my eyes, nothing a fierce squint couldn't handle.


Work was not so much fun. I feel as though invisible spiders are caressing me with their hairy little legs. Not in a sexy way, but in a horrible way. Their fucking spiders...why would you think that would be sexy??


Pervert...


I'm still hesitant to shave...I'd like a day or two more where my scruffy not very good looking beard can cover for me, distracting people from the moustache area. Helping it blend in with it's surroundings. Once the beardlette goes, there will only remain moustache...


I do not know if I am ready...


-Inveigh

Old Facecrack Note from January 2010

The year 2010...a great time to start fresh.
I have been posting links to Peta as many of you have probably noticed. I realize that people feel uncomfortable about activism ect but I do urge you to watch this as it does affect your health and the health and welfare of animals across the world. I am not asking people to be vegetarians or vegans...I am asking people to KNOW where their food is coming from and hopefully after watching the videos they can make an educated decision about eating at places that knowingly purchase meat from suppliers that scald animals alive, use outdated and often unsuccessful forms of killing the animals and force them to live in spaces that are not big enough for them to move. It appalls me that we as a society would rather turn a blind eye, eat our hormone laden foods from animals that were pumped and plumped to the point of breaking their limbs then watch an informative albeit disturbing video on what we eat! we EAT each and every day...why is it that we do not seem to care what is happening to our food? Not to mention what all of these mass produced cost cutting methods do to our own health. Why is a cow producing TEN times the amount of milk that they should? how do you think that happens? how do you think those hormones affect our own health? I cannot possibly change my past and how I blindly purchased, consumed and have partaken in this industry I can however make the decision to purchase or not purchase. We as consumers have the most power in these situations. What we buy touches all facets of society, the effects of our purchases can be a positive or negative one. When we purchase food from stores, and restaurants that do not care how or why the meat is so cheap we are sending the message that it's okay, that we want no better for these animals. I listen to everyone's rants on here everyday regarding everything from religion to breastfeeding and though I may not agree with it...I DO read it. I read it because I am not always right, because another persons passion, idea or belief can in fact enlighten my own. I read it because I firmly believe that I am better off opening my mind to possibilities then closing it out of ignorance.
My personal plight of 2010 is to be an informed consumer, to make the changes I can make to impact the world in a more positive way. We are all consumers, and we all hold a great deal of power...why not use it for something good?

-Mz.Nin

On Horrible Tragedies To Kittens...

Hello again. Nothing fun and fishy today. No, today I am going to shit on you. Today I attempt to ruin your life.

Does that sound fair?? What gives me the right anyway?? What did you do to deserve this??

Nothing. Nothing at all.

That's the point. You see, it seems to me that people believe in this fairness idea. They think that they should be given an equal share or chance. Why?? What for??

We all do it though. We all think if we have a shitty day, that tomorrow will be a better one. It will be, (unless it's not), but it's not going to be better to make up for the shitty one you had. The shitty one was just a shitty one, and tomorrow may simply not be a shitty one. There really is no difference in the days, only how you see them.

This reminds me of watching people at a cross walk. They sit and stare at a light that tells them it's safe to cross. But is it?? How does this light know anything? It's a fucking light. It's a signal that tells the cars to stop, and the people to cross, but what if someone doesn't listen to that light?? What if you walked out into that street and were hit by a car. Is it your fault? Is it the drivers fault?? Does it depend on the colour of the light at the time?

Know what I think? It's all of our faults. We have conditioned ourselves to trust these little things like they somehow have our best interest at heart. But here's the thing. They have no hearts. They are just things...like days...they don't care, they don't look out for us, they don't do a god damn thing.

As a group we get together and create these helpful little things like cross walks and traffic lights. We think they keep us safe, but they don't. We do, we keep ourselves safe by following the rules we have set for ourselves. But we don't know this anymore, we don't think about it like this. We think that someone else out there somehow knew what the best solution was, and put in in place. The result is that we avoid being responsible for ourselves.

How many times has someone walked out on a cross walk assuming the cars will stop, and when they don't, they yell at them that it's a cross walk?? Call them fuckers and shake their tiny little fists at them? Why didn't they look around and judge if it was safe or not? Why did they trust paint on a road and lights hanging in the sky to somehow keep them safe?? Is it really ok to be hit by a car, or to hit someone with a car, and it not be your fault? Shouldn't that be called retarded?? Shouldn't anyone who can't watch out for themselves enough to not get hit or hit people with cars be called a retard??

Nothing against handicapped people here, they know how to cross the fucking street. I'm straight up calling 'normal' people pants on head retarded here.

Anyway, back to the point I'm trying to make. The thing is, we have these little systems to keep us 'safe', and we do the same things inside our own heads. Thinking there is a balance and structure to our lives. We think that if we're nice, good things will happen, and bad things will happen to the dickfucktards we all have in our lives.

It doesn't work like that though. Chances are the dickfucktards are confident (or at least do a good impression) and that confidence will be a huge help to them. Doesn't mean they wont walk into traffic one day and get hit by a car either. But what is does mean is that most people will be at their funeral cause it's better than going to work that day.

And the nice people do tend to have their karma come back around. Know why?? Being nice is a good thing. People appreciate it, and if you are genuine and honest, when life shits on you, and you need help, all those people you were nice to will offer it. Unless their dickfucktards...

What I'm saying is, Karma isn't some energy floating around balancing out your life. What we think of as karma is the natural byproduct of people getting to know who you really are.

So how does this relate to fairness?? I don't think such a thing really exists. I think it is an illusion. Something we dreamt up for ourselves so we don't have to admit that we have no idea what is coming. There's just as big a chance it's more shit than it is something good, which is terrifying. It's much nicer to think that any shit that happens will be balanced out later with good stuff. Some folks even think if things are going well then shit must be coming.

I say just roll with it. See how your day goes. Don't compare it to yesterday, yesterday is gone, it only exists in your memory, and a billion other peoples memories. It was a shitty day, and a great day, Tomorrow will be the best day ever, and a cat is going to be hit by a bus as in front of someone who loves it. It's going to be a day., and that's all we really know about it.

Now Really, if Fairness existed, this picture would not.

Besides, if you never had a bad day, you wouldn't feel so good when you have a great one. Maybe don't worry so much about what is coming, or what is owed you.

Why not try making today better than yesterday?

-Inveigh

Kneel Before Your False Idols

Everyday, throughout my day that is void of cable TV, magazines, and other such intelligence robbing materials I am still subject without my consent to witness the world worshipping their false idols.  Don’t get me wrong this isn’t some biblical rant, it is however the only way I can possibly convey the worlds obsession with the mind rot of celebrities and their god-like hold over the entire world. 
We are living in a world where people are being murdered, raped, molested and victimized every minute of everyday and here I am in the bloody godforsaken line up at the grocery store being assaulted by these “rags” about Angelina Jolie and her fucking marriage falling apart or Britney Spears losing her marbles…you have GOT to be kidding me.  This is news? This is important? This??? This trite I am supposed to give a shit about? I wouldn’t even wipe my ass with this mind numbing drivel…I wouldn’t even wipe my ass on their faces, you know why? Because it’s NOT important.  I would hate to think that my life is so worthless and my interests so shallow that my biggest concern in life is the marital breakdown of some person that buys babies like tourist T-shirts and makes so much money in one year she could seriously put a huge dent in the world’s most impoverished countries. 
The part that gets EVEN worse is that people; your coworkers or your slightly retarded friends actually TRY to engage you in conversations about these people.  So now I have to sit there and watch the clock tick away the minutes of my life that I will not get back? No, no I do not and I don’t.  I put an end to it and god forbid; I change the topic to something meaningful, to politics, I would rather debate abortion then have minutes of my life sucked down someone’s cakehole as they go off about some celebrities extra marital affairs.  We live in a country where 50% of marriages do not succeed so I’m guessing (geez I hope this isn’t a shot in the dark) that a LOT of people have affairs, I would be more interested in say; my own marriage, maybe the marriage of my close friends or family members then I would or should ever be about these people. 
People that buy into these ideals about celebrities and worship them above all else are like the mere peasants at their feet.  Why put so much time into someone that A) is dominating the world through superficial means B) has a cult-like following of other half retarded morons and C) doesn’t care whatsoever about your own puny little existence? How self depreciating that is.  You will hold these people in highest regard in your life? You will dedicate hours, days and even years of your life reading scathing articles about them, paying 7 bucks to look at unflattering pictures of them in swimsuits?
I understand on their end at least, I mean even they have more intelligence then the idiots buying into it because they are selling the world’s least intelligent (vast majority of the world) what they want and they do it without effort.  Then afterwards they will sell you overpriced clothing produced in sweatshops by small Asian children with bloody finger tips, perfumes that are being tested on and killing common house hold pets…oh yes they are definitely worth caring about.  I mean with such a high regard for people outside of their perfect little life and their consistent compassion for the common man/woman…yes I can see why they are on their pedestal and why the world is on their knees.

-Mz.Nin

I Hate Snails. I Really, Really Do

Hi there, how are you all today??

I'd like to talk about snails. Just for a little bit. Don't worry, I wont make a point or anything.

I have a fish tank. It's my little zen garden. Here's a pic.

See that? No plastic in there, those are alive. That's my filter. I'd like to lay a challenge out to anyone who has a tank. Go natural. Super natural if you can. But be warned, you may have to become a monster to do this.

I had a normal tank for along time. I liked it. I ended up with cichlids that pretty much fought and killed one another until I had the king dickhead fish and that's it. Anything new he killed...so I gave him away (and yes, he killed many things at the pet store until they put him in a tank with huge cichlids...then buddy got his)

after that I looked around the webernet and found something interesting. Planted tanks. They look so cool. It's a little underwater garden that says fuck you to winter. I had to try this.

Further research proved that the internet is filled with everything, and none of it is organized. There are three ways to do a planted tank, and somebody somewhere has tried to clear up the mess, but everyone is so busy yelling at each other about who is right that they don't even look to see if they are talking about the same thing. It's like me yelling at you because this is green

When really I just have my monitor turned upside down and in a bowl of blue jello.

So for a year I watched my plants slowly die in a variety of ways...and then I started a book. I kept notes. I did science to it.

All you really need to do some amature science. Note the lack of dick doodles. This bit is key

and no, I am not making a point about actually doing something and understanding it yourself vs reading things on the internet and then wondering how you screwed it up. Not at all. I'm trying to make a point that snails are total dickfucks...I just haven't gotten there yet.

So I went from having a sad tank to a lush one...then it matured and settled in, and algae showed up...stupid algae... but I expected this, not a big deal, happens to every tank sooner or later. I did more science to it, did a lot of manual removing and it started to come around...but manual removing means cutting shit that's covered in alga out, so some of the plants were a little thin. I turfed them and went to the fish shop for something new.

I brought something awful home.

The plants were great. I still have them. Fantastic little things. Grow like weeds...but so do the snails...

You see, the thing with snails is that they don't need two. They have both parts and just have sex with themselves. If they do happen to bump into another snail, they might trade some goo, but it's not like the enjoy it...they're fucking snails...

Google Image search for 'Aquatic Snail Sex'

Another thing...a planted tank is just perfect for those little fuckers...by the time you realize you have one, you have eggs everywhere. Then those hatch and you have a fuck ton of snails... who lay eggs...

Now you see, I have a little problem. I don't like to do manual shit like picking snails out of a fish tank. So if there's an opportunity to get a bunch with little effort, I'm jumping on that. They have a habit of coming out of hiding (by that I mean coming out of everywhere) at night. So if I get up for a pee, and I see all these snails on the front glass I start scooping them out and throwing them outside. (I used to crush them, but I cut myself once and I'm worried about snail...grossness... getting inside me. Did you know snails have red blood like us...strange hey??) My neighbour for whatever reason is out one night and sees this naked silhouette in my door waving at him and freaks the fuck out. So after the cops leave I said fuck this shit, there has got to be a better way to get rid of these things.

To the internet!!

Cute hey??

Pea puffers. Cute little fish that eat snails. Perfect! One thing...they are tiny and don't really do fuck all. They look cute, and they are fun, but they don't eat fuck all. I want something to mangle the snails and leave them to die. Take one bite (the brain or heart please) and go to the next one...but I swear these things can survive off one snail for a week...and I have no idea how many snails I produce in a week, but it's more than one.

But there is something else interesting happening...their shells...they are getting thin and brittle...

I'm no scientist, I just do science to things for fun. (scientist do it for profit) so I don't know if the plants are using up some much needed shell making nutrients for themselves and slowly starve-murdering the snails to death, or if generations of the most hardcore inbreeding is taking it's toll...But either way, I am excited.

So you see, in order to have a fantastic planted tank, you have to be a monster that delights in the murder of critters that piss you off just by being gross.

Thanks for reading,

-Inveigh

Well...now you're all doomed. We will currupt your very souls...

Hey there. New to blogging, no idea how to do it, but I am confident I will be able to fuck your brain into mush and then snort it. And I am only half of what you have to deal with :) Enjoy what's to come...




-Inveigh