So I did it, I shaved all but my 'Lip Muff'. I know about Muff Power, I have to, I am friends with the lovely Mz.Nin, but I am not feeling it...I am feeling creepy. Very creepy actually.
See, the problem is I keep wandering out into public and forget that I have this thing under my nose. I smile at people, and sometimes make inappropriate jokes. I like to creep people out slightly, it's sort of fun. But now...well now I don't have to do anything, and as soon as I open my mouth... fuck I'm going to be arrested by the end of the week!
I was at the vet today, and I'll admit, I have a fetish for vets. Two reasons. They always have critters around, and I love critters, and two, they are like doctors, but for critters. Well I hurt myself a lot, and while I also have a doctor/nurse fetish, vets fill an extra roll in providing me with kittens to play with. So they get an extra point. And yes I would totally let a vet patch me up, they're just as good, and I'm not picky.
So while I'm there I'm chatting up the lovely vet, and notice she is not making eye contact. Not one bit. I think maybe I have made a mess with breakfast? Do I have ice cream on my face?? I check...nope seems pretty clean, and then pow, I hit the lip muff and it all makes sense...I am hideous...but wait! Maybe all is not lost, maybe I can wow her with a clever moustache joke!!
I try...I fail...
Turns out public masturbation is rather more frowned upon than I had previously imagined...
My dog is fine though, and that's what's important. He seems to like my lip muffage actually. Or at least he still looks me in the eyes...I guess this is what women with fantastic tits feel like?? Except the opposite?? Does that make sense??
Anyway, off I go about my day, periodically forgetting about my facial trauma only to be reminded by the horrified sneers of everyone around me. It really is a disaster...in one day I have received no less than 4 very lovely women telling me I have done something horrible, that I need to grow back the beard, that I look pretty in a beard, and now I look (...dry heaving sound...)
You know what ladies. Mouvember isn't about looking pretty. This isn't some 'Lets get pink ribbons and put them on our cars and wallets and underpants to beat cancer' thing. This is way more than that. This is a 'Grow something awful on your face' thing. This means we are going to trap cancer in a small room and molest the absolute shit out of it until it can no longer face the light of day without flashing back to the things we have done to it. It will be spending the rest of it's days weeping in terror in a shower of bleach. We aren't being nice to cancer, we aren't being mean to it. We are being creepy and pervy, and if that isn't enough to drive it away, then we may all be doomed...
So wish us luck, and feel free to take advantage of all the moustache rides you can. They'll only be here for a little while longer.
And Mz.Nin, you are stuck with 20 more days of this. Perhaps in that time I will be able to acquire enough Muff Power to smite you, but I somehow doubt it. Good old fashion smiting will have to do hey?? Wence I do shave, be sure that I will keep it for you, and you will find it sprinkled about your home as I once did with emptied bottles so long ago)
- Inveigh
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